How to Foster Your Flock, Step 2: Build Your Bench
Photo by Will Paterson on Unsplash
Recap: What is fostering?
Fostering your flock is the idea that we can improve our mental well-being by focusing on human connections when we are stressed or emotionally taxed.
It involves taking the time to make little connections, whether that be in your home, your classroom, or other workplace. It can be a hug, a high five, or a spontaneous dance party. (If you missed it, read my post “How to Foster Your Flock: Getting Started”.)
But what if that first step - taking that time to connect - even feels like too much? We all have those days where we feel like we just don’t have it.
Here is what to do when that happens.
What does it mean to expand your bench?
An important part of fostering your flock is having a deep bench to call upon when you just don’t have it. Like a coach calls on the players on the bench to fill in when teammates need a break, you need your own bench to call on when you just need a play off.
Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash
If you prefer a performing-arts metaphor, think of calling on the understudy to cover for you when you get laryngitis.
Brene Brown talks about this in her podcast on the 50/50 myth. She talks about how no relationship is 50/50 all of the time; not your family relationships, not your loving relationships, not your professional relationships. Some days you might only have 10% to give someone else, so how do you make up the other 90% they need? Some days they might have all 90%, you’re good. Other days, they don’t have it either so who or what is on your bench for you to tag in?
Again, none of us have it all together all the time. Having a bench of support will get you through the tough times when you can’t foster your relationships the way you want.
What’s Your Percent?
You don’t need a calculator for this.
Finding your percent is identifying how much you have to give to your flock or yourself.
It’s how much mental fuel you have in the tank.
Calculating your percent each day mentally affirms what you’ll need to foster your flock. When you don’t have a lot in the tank you can call out to your bench for help.
Some of the families and educators I work with have started using this concept as a way to check in with each other and build their benches.
I have spouses that start their day with “I’m at 15% where are you at? You’re only 15% too? Then who can we call in?”
I have educators that have formed what they call tripods: 3 staff members that check-in briefly every day, maybe only through text message, about how they’re going to get to 100% for their students that day. On their bench might be the principal, a grandparent, or a neighbor.
Or, it might be that you just talk about where you’re at and that practice alone is enough, even if you never make it to 100%.
Recognizing with honesty what you have to give is empowering because it allows you to face the challenges of the day with a plan. It turns what would be an overwhelming day into a manageable one.
Sometimes it’s the What Not the Who
Unlike sports, your bench doesn’t just need to be made up of people. Sitting on that bench could be people, but it also could be self-care strategies, or even what I like to call “grace-givers.”
Grace-givers are those little things we can do when we don’t have the 100%, to give ourselves a little grace - whether it’s ordering take-out instead of cooking, or replacing that spelling lesson with an impromptu outdoor science lesson because it's 60 degrees in February.
Grace-givers add fuel to the tank, increasing our daily percentages instead of detracting from them because we’re allowing ourselves to lean into something we might normally think isn’t good enough.
Photo by Keren Fedida on Unsplash
I often use this example from my own life:
During the height of the pandemic, at the end of one particularly stressful week, I realized I had fed my kids chicken nuggets three of the nights, and boxed mac and cheese for the other nights. At the time, grocery shopping was limited and work-life stress was running high. I thought about those dinners and started crying. I thought, I have totally let my family down.
(Now, at this point, I was probably at less than 10%.) From my bench, my husband stepped in and asked, “Are the kids alive? Are they happy? I don’t think they’re going to grow up to be adults who only eat boxed mac and cheese and even if they do, that’s okay too. It’s a stinking pandemic.”
I had to give myself some grace. Sometimes when we use grace givers, like ordering pizza, it not only boosts our percentage but allows us some breathing room to foster our flock with those small connections I’ve mentioned in earlier posts.
Humans are herd animals so don’t be afraid to make your herd a large one. Fill it with people you can connect with and call on. Fill it with strategies like grace giving that allow you more time and space to focus on connection with those you love.
After all, the number one predictor of our long-term health isn’t how many chicken nuggets we did or didn’t eat; it's the relationships we build and foster. (Want proof? Read my earlier post, How to have a happy life: our relationships make all the difference).
The Takeaway:
Deepening your bench means leaning on others and using grace-giving strategies when you don’t have much to give.
Calling on your bench allows you to foster your flock when your mental fuel percentages are low.
