How to have a happy life: our relationships make all the difference
The media makes us think we need a lavish lifestyle or a huge social media following to be happy but the answer (luckily for most of us) has nothing to do with money or status.
How do we build a happy life?
Studies show the key to having a happy life has everything to do with the quality of our relationships. In this post, I’ll cover:
What is a “happy” life?
What are “quality relationships” and how do I foster them?
How do I start down my path to living a happier life?
What does it mean to live a happy life? Can we even quantify this?
Living a happy life is subjective, obviously, but there are certain factors that researchers study to determine how to measure happiness. So, yes, they can actually quantify it.
In 2014 researchers from Harvard published the Grant and Glueck Study that followed the lives of 724 men from the Boston area. Referenced in a recent medium.com article, this study brought to light something I also believe to be true: that the key to happier and healthier lives is directly related to the quality of our close relationships.
Here’s how the study worked:
Researchers followed two groups of men for 80 years looking specifically for the psychosocial predictors (psychological and social variables) of healthy aging. The first group (researched in the Grant Study) was made up of male graduates of Harvard from 1939-1944. The other group (researched in the Glueck Study) was made up of men who grew up in inner-city Boston during the same time period. Participants filled out questionnaires, submitted health information, and were interviewed at regular intervals during the 80 year span.
What were researchers looking for?
They wanted to understand which psychosocial variables in early life predicted health and happiness in late life.
What did they find?
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health,” said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.” -Robert Waldinger via Liz Mineno, The Harvard Gazette 2017
Check out Waldinger‘s famous 2015 TED Talk: “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness”
What’s love got to do with it?
Everything, Tina. Everything.
But let’s be clear– it doesn’t matter what type of relationships you have, it matters how we feel safe, seen, and cared for.
According to Havard researchers, those are the “quality relationships” that prevent loneliness and depression and they can show up in your life in many ways; as friendship, loving partnerships, marriage, family. These relationships that foster emotional security and growth impact your overall physical health and contribute to a happy life.
It’s never too late to get started
So, a happy life is strongly connected to having meaningful relationships. That may have you feeling incredibly reassured, or it might give you pause. In either case, the first step to fostering these quality relationships is reflection.
Step back and evaluate different areas of your life. Consider how you’re currently feeling in each area, starting with friendships.
Of your friendships, ask yourself:
Does interacting with this person make me feel better or worse?
Do I feel safe enough with this person to be vulnerable? Can I share something honest but potentially embarrassing?
Do I feel drained after spending time with this person?
Do I like who I am with this person? (Read about social constructionism and how relationships among people create reality. )
Does this relationship allow me to be authentic and avoid toxic practices like shame and blame (See Brene Brown’s video on shame and Brene Brown’s video on blame.)
That doesn’t mean say goodbye to those casual friends. While those friendships bring value in certain circumstances, they don’t provide those quality relationships you’ll need.
Then consider your family relationships. Family is always a little trickier. Relationships vary greatly across family systems so there’s no one set of criteria you can go to. So approach this more broadly, then hone in on certain areas depending on your family situation.
Of your family, ask yourself:
Do I feel supported?
Can I let myself be vulnerable?
Where can I contribute greater effort in supporting a family member?
Who needs me most? Prioritizing those that need you (and sometimes that person may be YOU).
This is important: Just because you are family doesn’t mean your values or personalities match and that’s okay. Remembering that will help you set healthy boundaries with family members too.
Repeat this quick evaluation of your relationships in other areas of your life. Once you know where you stand, you’ll be ready to take additional steps to foster those quality relationships.
The takeaway:
The key to living a happy life is how satisfied we are with our relationships. Identifying quality relationships in your life and fostering them will positively impact your physical and mental health and your overall happiness.
Want more?
To begin strengthening your relationships, read How to Foster Your Flock: Getting Started.
Healing is a journey and I’m here to help. If you’re not sure how to get started improving your mental health, click here.
